Saturday, 3 March 2012

The Desolation of She, Short story

She waits.
On her own, lonely & depressed. Sadness envelopes her & her heart feels like it will explode.
She knows she must buck up, take hold of herself & as everyone would say “be strong”.
She can’t, she knows that, it’s a given. Life for the foreseeable future will be like this.

Some days she copes better, they are rare, but the nights are filled with self doubt & accusations of uselessness. She is aware she is a waste of space, life for her is a nothing, she a nobody. She has never made a difference, been significant or made an impact, even though she had been told she would.

She is engulfed by self doubt & feels like she could go to sleep & not awake. This would not bother her, she is alone.

Some days she sees others but instead of making her feel happy, it just makes her sadder, brings home she is alone. Social network sites are no good, full of people professing to be there for her? Stupid people! There are other women on them who also are alone, but they were all too far away to help each other & words, typed on a faceless keyboard, mean nothing.

She had learnt the hard way that people no longer care. There was no caring for others anymore, it was all lip service. Society has moved away from real friendships, cuddles & caring for others. Boy when did that happen, in the old days…. Now she sounded like her mum!

She knew she would never get over this, knew life would never be the same again! She felt betrayed & abandoned, lost & ignored.

These feelings had been part of her life years before on different occasions, from the age of two then again at ten. Thirteen was the start of three bad years & it all set her up nicely for years of betrayal, which just added to the baggage.
She knew all this, had tried to “deal” with it all, with help from a church & a common sense personality.

She was destroyed to find herself fighting the same emotions, yet again, in her life. She had thought she had come away from all that. Thought life was being kind to her at last. Thought she was loved & would never again feel so desolate. She was wrong, she was sad about that!

Long summer days living in paradise. This was where she wanted to be, was the right choice. So why did she feel so bad. Going out, photographing her environment gave her pleasure but where was the joy? Surely life should be good?

What was the alternative, to leave would more likely mean never to return. This was not an option for her, for them.

Life, what made a good life for a person whose emotions were so visible? So much so that while frequenting a dinner party she sat at the table crying, unable to stop herself, embarrassed.   No one comforted her, they just pretended not to notice. This was just one occassion where her emotions overflowed in public!

She looked forward, took the opportunity to have a good look at herself, her attitude, her care of others. There is nothing like experiencing something yourself to understand others, to see what others need.

She walked forward, felt she had learnt something, was learning still. It was positive, a way of changing, a way of living. The end was coming & she vowed to herself to make it different, to be more positive, to make it worth while & the first step was to look towards others.
The rest she felt would follow...........