Time

Time flies my love, time flies

The moon still shines

The same moon but worlds apart 

This world turns, turns, turns

Your not in mine neither am I in yours

Tides rush in and out whether we're there

Your absence felt, no sand between toes, no pebbles beneath feet

We were not there

The sun relentless without you

The rain splashing window panes

Are you filled with dread, my love, or happy

Is your heart full

Does someone fill it with joy

 Are you lonely, like me

Love lost still haunts me

Still missing you

My heart cries easily lately, tears of hurt

Still feeling the pain from time long past

Are you happy my love

Is your soul sad

 crying from time long past

Is life better without me in it

Do you think of me sometimes, with regret

Did you forgive me as I forgave you

Somehow memories were lost, yet retained in heart

My soul fills with pain, that burns

Tears burning my eyes as I remember your embrace

Thoughts of you sometimes 

did you think of me over time, or no

Was I just lost to you

Our love forgotten, like the leaves in the wind

You have left this earth 

I pray in peace

Did Jesus meet you, take you by hand

Did you feel the love with no pain

I pray so

Ill see you again one day, maybe

With peace and love surrounding us

Alone & lonely

Mona lay on her all soft and enveloping sofa, gently Stroking herself, she was wet that's for sure, thinking of him, the one that won't leave her, won't let her soul be free.
Idly she turns her thoughts to him, his touch on her clitoris, which she found so loving as well as erotic, his tongue teasing her open to his fingers so horny to her, knowing he was enjoying her and wanting her made her feel special. Thankfully she came then, a gentle orgasm but just what she needed, before she burst into tears.

These memories hurt, She was just a rebound, someone to ease the pain for a while, be at the beck and call of his pain, she was happy to do so.

She had fallen deeply in love but not he.

This time in her life was erotic but not secure, Sexual but not but not loving.

He was deeply hurt, had no connection only pain, 

Mona wondered how much she could take without him being with her fully. Her soul cried for him, her heart yearned for him, she would do whatever he asked but he never held her hand, never walked with her, always ahead she gave up trying to keep up with him.

Christopher was a horny bugger, would masturbate at every opportunity, watched porn to help it happen or video chats with his girlfriend, it was a long distance relationship, this kept him safe, safe from having to commit to anyone safe from making decisions about any future.

Chris found someone who would take all his bullshit, take all his pain, stroke his head and hug him when his soul cried out in pain. He knew she loved him, Mona, he found her too soon, knew he had no future with her, even though she had saved him. He had come a long way from when he first needed her, now his eye was wandering, she had no idea

Siena was Monas friend, she wasn't keen on Chris mainly because she was jealous of their relationship so she fills Monas head with negative thoughts and tells her to put limits on him.  Mona was so insecure she did it and with hindsight she knew it was the wrong thing to do but now its too late. Siena knew what she was doing, in reality she doesn't want it to work

Mona was looking forward to seeing him soon, it was her birthday and his a couple of weeks later so Chris  suggested they go away somewhere hot. 

Mona was so excited, she loved to travel but she was more excited to spend quality time with Chris she loved him so much, got those butterflies in her tummy when she was seeing him, which was not enough but they made it work and their sex was amazing sexual experimental and emotionally loving. making love while kissing the whole time, doing what turned each other on, she was so happy in that. So what's the problem, well he won't tell her he loves her, puts love down, so she knows he is not in love with her

and she needs someone who will love her as she loves him, puts her first other than hiding her. He hides her from his friends and family so Mona knows deep in her heart she is his dirty little secret, but still holds on to hope.

Chris was getting ready to go away on his own, he has met someone online and is going to meet them. Mona obviously has no idea so he is going to tell her he just needs time on his own and is meeting an old friend and his family. He knows she will be devastated and let down as it was her birthday and he had said they would go away together. Chris was fed up having to be with just one person, being true to Mona, she had lasted a year and now it was time for him to move on, find something real or just play the field. He had spun so much bull shit about what they would do but he realised she had saved his life but she was definitely a rebound. Chris had no concept as to plans for his future, what he wanted now out of life.

Mona was thinking about her soon to be trip, just then Chris video called her

Chris was in his friends apartment so said he couldn't speak for long, she said hi to his friend and Chris said they were going out for a bit so a quick micro chat and he ended the call. Mona was disappointed but this had been pretty normal of late and she had always told him he didn't HAVE to call her every day but it had been an intense year  with him phoning every day sometime numerous times yet now it just wasn't the same, something was up her spirit never failed to warn her.

Chris was using his friend Mike as an excuse. 

Mike was not happy "Chris mate you really need to finish it with Mona, it's not fair to her keeping her dangling" Chris knew he was right but this woman had been there for him for a year " Yes mate I know but I just know I will hurt her. " Don't you think she will be hurt even more when she knows what your up to" "No she will never know" " Yeah but you have to tell her you are not going away with her"

Later that night he video phoned her when he knew she would be in bed  and sleepy. "Hiya how's your evening been darling" She was happy to see him

" Ok, Mike is having relationship problems so I have been a listening ear. We popped out for a drink. Listen I've decided to go away to see a very good friend and his family, just for a few days" Mona was devastated it was her special birthday and now there will be no celebrating it, she felt so alone, she was alone. "I thought we were going away together? that was the plan, to celebrate my special birthday and yours together"

Mona was well aware what this meant, it was the end. Her spirit was never wrong, her life had been one of rejection so she knew.

The relationship just died, Chris moved on to numerous women and eventually met someone he fell for.

Mona had no idea but Chris was still in touch, occasionally, he didn't know why, so he wanted to tell her in person.

Mona had not moved on, she was waiting for him to come home and then when he saw her he would fall in love with her and realise what he was missing. He would scoop her up and tell her he loved her.

Poor Mona she had no idea, she was living in a fantasy world. Mona could not forget what a great time they had. She just loved him and trusted that God had put them together.

She knew he had been back for a while now and he had not contacted her.

Chris decided he couldn't put it off any longer. PF was not keen, she wanted him to tell Mona by text  but he insisted, he knew he was about to break her heart and he told her so. PF was not a very nice person, he was enamored though. He knew she had an issue because she was jealous of the relationship they had before her. Chris spoilt PF more than he had Mona, she was just happy to be with him where as PF wanted big expensive all at his expense. 

Chris was dreading telling Mona, how would she feel, how would he feel, PF couldn't give a shit how Mona would feel, she just wanted him to go in drop the bomb and come straight back to her. She had met all his friends and his family, Mona hadn't, this made her happy. She PF would mold him into who she wanted him to be, then Mona would be a thing of the past

Mona was so happy, today she was going to see the man she loved and hoped to spend her life with, she was delusional but didn't know this yet. 

When Chris turned up she had butterflies "Can I get you a coffee" she said "Go and sit by the pool and I'll bring it out

Once she had set the coffee on the table she looked at him and smiled " so how are you Chris, what have you been up to"

His stomach flipped "Well I've met someone" "What? What did you say?"

He repeated "I've met someone else"

She couldn't help what happened next, her heart literally broke, her soul ripped and the deep sorrow escaped her. The tears just gushed from her, she lost her equilibrium, just couldn't believe what she heard.

Mona wanted him to just go, she was not going to cope being near him, but he refused. Mona could not stop crying but he insisted on taking her out, I guess he thought he could make her happy? Stupid!

Mona just could not look at him without breaking down, she was not enjoying being with him, it was just so painful all she wanted was to go home and bury herself in her duvet so she could cry in comfort, alone without eyes being on her, she needed to bawl loudly.

The only thing she could say was "your not meant to be with her, your meant to be with me" Mona knew this as true

Once home he left, Mona knew he didn't realise the meaning of this to her but he was on his own road right or wrong. She knew her days of romance were over, let alone a sexual relationship with anyone. This fact made her bloody mad, men don't realise this aspect of harming an older woman, it's different when your young, there's always a chance on finding love again but Mona had travelled this road three times before, managing to find love and a great sexual relationship too. she knew from experience that sex was a very important part of a loving relationship, it deepens the intimacy between a couple, it makes the love bond stronger and now she would never experience this feeling again 

Chris made his way home, he phoned PF to tell her, she was pissed off and couldn't understand why he spent all day with Mona. He was worried now that he had made a terrible mistake but he was a typical man so that didn't last long. 

PF was fucked off, she didn't want this woman in Chris's life, how dare she still be a thing?

She was sure going to get rid of her.

She would blow him away sexually, he was a sexual person and loved fucking her, obviously. She had a good body, had waxing so he could experience the full view, he never had that before and she thought any man should feel lucky to have her in bed. Yes she was going to win, he had spent a fortune on her already going on trips to different exotic countries with a gentle nudge from her. She knew he didn't do so much for her, she was just a cane to lean on in his dark hours, she was the light in his life

Mona grieved but got on with life. She kept her pain to herself not sharing with Siena, she just told her he had a girlfriend and that yes she was hurt. It was easy as Siena didn't care about her feelings she just wanted to gossip about what went on. Every now and then she would ask if she had heard from him, Mona just said yes or no.

The pain was too much to share.

A couple of months later Mona took a holiday, she needed the sea and a pool, good food and needed to lay in the sun. She had no fun but she lay by the pool, read a favorite book, walked along the sea shore, drank some delicious Gin and Tonics and enjoyed great food. 

this trip was just what she needed to charge her batteries.

Then HE phoned her. He had split from PF, although he didn't tell Mona at first but she knew something was going on, her spirit never lied

So here they were, he hung out the carrot and she trotted after him. She was just the rebound girl again but she was still in love with him or at least the him she thought he was. From that night they re-connected again.

Phone calls nightly and Mona being at his beck and call to help him where he needed

It was never a relationship but always the carrot was there, with a far off promise. Did he realise, no of course not, he just wanted the companionship and they did by this time have a deep friendship, he didn't want to lose that.

Once Mona was out with friends and looking, even if she thought so herself, both pretty and sexy, a guy started chatting to her. Mona having given up on love with anyone else other than Chris she was taken aback when the guy asked if she was married and could he have her number and maybe take her out.

She told Chris that night and shocked her by being some sort of way, he was shocked and told her she had to go, she was completely taken aback and confused. She told him so many times she really didn't want to go, she didn't even fancy him. Why was she so confused? It was typical of him to make her feel bad, like she had done something to him

Chris decided that he needed time from talking to Mona to think, when she asked about what he said them, her, what he wanted, three days later he said he didn't want a relationship with her and that was that.

Chris didn't talk to Mona for at least six months. 

He hadn't told her he had already met someone else, he'd moved on to yet another woman , but he had also been seeing a another before too, (he later informed her he had dated four other women after her)

Mona would have been devastated all over again and he tried to avoid that situation as it made him feel bad, he just wanted to move on and enjoy his life, he didn't want to think of himself as bad, he needed to know he was a good person, which he was but where Mona was concerned, well she was different brought up so many negative feelings in him.

Chris was enjoying life, enjoying his new relationship, travel, hobbies and work. He never thought about Mona she had served her purpose at the time, God sent her into his life to help him heal, give hope, she was there for him in his grief when he could not talk to anyone else in his life.

Mona would speak to him until he fell asleep, calm him when he freaked out or lost his shit, she built him up showering him with compliments, because she loved him. 

Sex with Mona was fantastic, she made him feel fantastic, he just could not commit to her. There was life out there that for a period he could not see and he wanted to experience it without commitment.

His new woman was another long distance affair so there was no need for commitment just a good time and more ego stroking and she was a stunner.

Mona was sad, just so sad. She couldn't help it,  it was deep inside but she went along with social occasions, was the life and soul of every occasion but she really felt life had drained out of her.

She went on holidays with friends, lunches, held parties, went to parties and visited friends. She enjoyed all of this but there was no real joy in her life anymore. Mona embraced this new lifestyle and moved on without Chris in her life. She prayed every day that Jesus would heal her soul and break the soul connection with Chris, this was proving to not be happening but anyway she was moving on.

For some reason Chris re-connected with Mona, he enjoyed her company and speaking to her. He had some great chats with her and she was someone he could joke with, talk through important thoughts and theories with and act his true self with. He knew he could be himself and she would not reject him or think he was a plonker. He knew she still loved him.

Somehow over the years Mona and Chris had developed a deep friendship. They were straight talking with each other, she supported him mentally and emotionally, confided her worst thoughts, her dreams even her possible new men she would pass through him. He was a great support to her financially if she needed help, he loved her as a friend and didn't want her to suffer.

They didn't see each other much but very rarely he would go visit her for a short day, they would have lunch and chat then he would go back home.

It kept them connected but it also kept her hooked.

Mona missed him so much, no idea why she still felt hooked to him. It was so painful and he was so oblivious. They talked every day on the phone and when she was in a bad place she would beg him to pray the Jesus would cut the soul tie to each other. Chris was really oblivious to this, he didn't feel soul connected to anyone so he didn't bother but Mona prayed for it every day 

life without him was OK, he was there to talk too, she had got used to being single again so it wasn't  awful to be in charge of her own life, having freedom to do what she wanted without having to think of others, the only problem was not having a sexual relationship. Mona was not going to sleep with just anyone, nope she had found out over the years that sex without feelings was just that sex, but with feelings involved it was completely different and that is what she yearned for again, that is what made her cry. Actually there were a lot of things that made her cry and most were past hurts.

Mona had moved past wanting Chris as a mate but it was the loss that hurt her, loss of what could have been. She no longer craved him, she never wanted to live with anyone again and knew for definite he would drive her mad. 

She wanted a man that would hold her hand and walk alongside of her, a companion who would cuddle her Someone who loved her more than she loved him, who put her first, who would be by her side when she died. She wanted to feel loved

Chris was still with his long distance girlfriend, but he kept his relationship away from Mona

They kept their friendship close but as normal he told no one. Mona however talked about him sometimes but made it clear they were just friends. Her friends knew she still was in love with him but they couldn't understand why she kept it going, he obviously didn't care about her, but she knew they had a special connection she just didn't know why. She constantly prayed that God would move her on away from him, that she would either find someone else or just only feel friendship for him.

Chris was happy, he had a girlfriend that came over to visit him, he had new friends that he met up with for lunch and BBQ's and he chatted to Mona as well as other ladies, yep he had a good life. He would go away for a few days at a time and when Lissi, his girlfriend came to visit they would go on trips to the coast

.

These trips with Lissi hurt Mona for the first couple of years but eventually friendship took over from romantic love, she believed herself to finally be healed. Her main problem with people was being lied to, Mona couldn't understand why as she was an open book, maybe that's not a good thing she didn't know, she just knew lying really hurt her, knew it was a thing from her past that hadn't been taken from her. Mona wore her heart on her sleeve and was painfully honest with her feelings

So after four years of being on her own Mona had to move, she needed to downsize but this meant she would never see her best friend again, the man she still had so much love for, her deep soul friendship, he said he would come to see her but she knew he was lying it was obvious in his body language as well as his tone but she knew anyway.

It was hard for her to say good bye.

Chris knew he would never see Mona again, she didn't even video chat with him anymore, he felt this was so she could distance herself from him somewhat. They still talked and had banter over the phone but that was it. Chris felt relieved in a way. Now they can be friends without the added complications of needing to see her

Mona was still sad deep within her soul but she moved on alone.

Now she was alone and lonely as well as sad. Mona knew she would love to meet a man who would just love her. She didn't want to marry or live with a man she just wanted a weekend boyfriend to have a lovely life with, go on holidays and little breaks with, to eat out and go to the pictures with and make love with, she wanted to feel loved really loved.

Mona still cried sometimes about lost love, lost opportunities and about how her life could have been if years ago she took a different road than the one she had travelled. 

Life was shit for Mona and every morning she woke to ask Jesus why am I still here, then thanking him that she was. She had a deep deep faith and walked with God through the tough times of her life, she knew he saw her, heard her and loved her 

Chris called Mona for a chat, as he did most days, not every day but still a lot. She chatted about his up coming trips and he knew she was OK, which actually did make him feel better to know.

They didn't speak for long and she wished him a good evening said she was going out tomorrow to see friends for lunch

Mona went to meet up with some friends and talk about booking a trip away, she loved the sun, loved the sea and beach and had found a spa hotel not far away that they could all go to for a lovely relaxing trip. They had a great lunch with lots of laughs, banter and cocktails. Time came to catch the bus back home a little squiffy, she said goodbye as they all went their separate ways.

Mona walking to the bus stop was thinking about the up coming trip and thought she would phone Chris when she got home when she saw something huge coming towards her, she didn't know what hit her, she just knew Jesus was there holding her hand. Mona was both overwhelmingly happy to be in his arms but overwhelmingly sad that she was leaving

All her years flew into he mind, Jesus reassured her she was going to be good, she was going to fall into a deep peaceful sleep and the next thing she would know was when he woke her, she had nothing to fear he was with her and she had been a faithful servant loving him all her life

In her mind Mona nodded her head then fell into her deep sleep leaving the world and all its fears, disappointments and thwarted loves behind, taking the sadness with her along with the love.

  

 

  

70's

Bell bottoms, high waist, tank tops, the mini and hot pants

Long floppy hair, tall and skinny

70's the years of freedom, or so they said

Sexual chemistry, looking for love in all the wrong places, hurting without

To be wanted overpowering all common sense

Unwelcome advances a sign of the times

Unrequited love, being used and abused

The best and worst of the time

The time of disco, Motown and soul 

Music poetry, Glam rock 

The best and the worst, memories in every song

With time the memories are the best

The bad relegated to the soul bin

WHY

 People wonder why

Why do I leave, why do I fight

Why do I still love, trust, want

I still have my back, who else does

Why, why, why

Always rejected, never accepted

Who else will protect me, save me, raise me

How much hurt, how much pain, 

How much of your abandonment can I take

Its how I was raised, no father and not much of a mother

no I love you, no cuddles, no safety

Too much rejection, so many lies

A lack of security and every good thing, oh how it alludes me

The music in my head, the words in my mouth stirs my soul

Is this Jesus, my one true protector, the one who loves

Bringing the next level of pain, heartbreak to the surface to heal

To mend my heart, heal my soul

even today a stranger tells me you love me,  I know this, but do I

I try, I know in my head but my heart, why do I struggle

Trust you I will, trust you I do

i

Walking

 Walking hand in hand along the dried up lake

loving the summer days, hot and humid we had each other

I loved who you were to me, how we were to each other

Those times, those days, those hours

Little did we know how fast they would fly

How fast we would fail, each other and others 

Walking hand in hand through London

Biba shopping and Oxford street meandering

Loving each other, being together

Those times, those days those those hours

Little did we know how things would end

How fast we would fall, how fast we would slip

Walking hand in hand along the sea shore

Bouncing pebbles, splashing, the sea lapping against us

Life was like being in a warm blanket

Those times, those days, those hours

Loving you, your hands around me, keeping me safe

Your eyes watching me, loving what you saw

Walking hand in hand along the Thames

Feeling something was off in my spirit

Little did I know, your emotions were low

Those times, those days, those hours

Loving you in your distance, hoping against hope

My eyes watching you, not loving what I saw

Walking hand in hand happened no more

We never walked now, no more

How did I know at 15, feeling some sort of way

Those times, those days, those hours

Loving you in the cold, heart hurting hard

How could I have known as a 15 years old

Black on Black

When I'm surrounded in your blackness, wretchedness, and despair is nothing to what I'm feeling,
when I'm at the bottom of the deepest chasm, with no escape.
When I'm craving for love and friendship, but cannot bear the thought of people, having to talk, to pretend.

When I've been abandoned by loved ones to get on with it, while I am talking to death, he my only companion
While life has nothing in it, no luster, no love, nothing to keep me going
When all hope is gone, nothing in my future and I'm praying for death to come, take me with him
While the world turns and the sun shines, I see nothing, nothing but darkest blackness, feel crushed by the pressure grief, lost in the ocean hopelessness.

When God is far from me, and I'm trapped in a bubble of doubt, fear, my soul irretrievably perished, where are you?
Where is love? Where is my care, Why am I alone in the death of life?

My God was there, hidden by my desperation, hidden by my destruction being all I felt
My Saviour  was there, holding me up, keeping me from death, stopping my finality
When I cried out I was heard, when I felt no sound was listened to , the Angels were summoned

Joyless soul under gradual healing, Miraculous help surrounding me where no cuddles were able
Love deep inside rising to protect me from death, his draw subsiding
After years the cloak of death being ripped off my soul, administering oil of restoration pouring over me

Love, my God, my Saviour, my Life 

Despair

I was lost in a sea of despair

The future was unclear and bleak

I heard your voice and our bond grew strong over time

You saved me and gave me a reason to live

You brighten my days and comfort me at night

I'm learning to love again

Thank you my Darling

xxx

Anonymous

An Ode To My Mother..... By my Daughter

By Claire Louise Humpage

Mother you are my world,

The Creator of my spirit, my soul.

You hold my hand when I fall,

When I cry you hold me till I decide its time to pull away.

You see me as no one else does,

To you I am perfect, as no other can ever match up to.

Your beauty, which shines through everything you do and say, is only a small section of what you really are,

You hold so much of what I am to become.

When our time is over I will be lost without your guidance and love, but I will also remember what you taught me and I will try to become half the woman you are now, and always will be to me.

Claire Humpage

Joanna Humpage

Joanna is not only my mother but my best friend.

She has always been there for me and is one of the most important people in my life 

01/05/2000

Train to nowhere Erotica

She met him on the train to Verona, Italy. They were sitting opposite to each other, the train was packed with families going on holiday, business men and women as well as couples going away for a romantic interlude.
They were both reading travel books on Italy. They had noticed each other but said nothing until their eyes met, they laughed and started to chat, It was a very long journey to Verona.

He spied her as soon as he got on the train and headed straight to her seat, sitting directly opposite her. God she was attractive. Long dark hair, deep pools of Brown for eyes and perfect cupid bow lips. She had a open smiley face. He was shocked to feel stirings and placed his bag over his lap for a bit.
He noticed she was reading the same travel book he had, so he got it out and pretended to read.
He was delighted to find they were heading to the same city, conversation was fun and flirty, they didnt stop talking the whole way. Time flew by and soon, it seemed, it was time to say goodbye. They exchanged numbers promising to get together for dinner or drinks, soon.

Verona was a beautiful cosmopolitan city, historic with wonderful restaurants and pavement cafe's, Great looking men around every corner, great shopping Versace and Gucci shops, which she loved, she did a lot of smiling.
Her first day she indulged in some recreational shopping and people watching in street cafe's. The sun was beautifully warm, the sky unbroken blue, a pleasure to just sit and sip coffee.
She purchased some gorgeous underware, shoes of course, a beautiful Gucci watch and some lusty perfume. Shopping had given her an appetite, so she found her favorite pizza restaurant in Verona, you have to have real Italian pizza when in italy! She took her seat outside, then she saw him.

He had spotted her earlier and decided to follow her while she shopped. He was impressed, she obviously had money, now she had spotted him so he sauntered over to her, taking the opportunity to ask if he could join her. She seemed delighted. They shared a great pizza, drank Limonchello's and walked together around historic Verona, even going into Juliets house standing on the balcony where she called her Romeo. It was a fun afternoon. She was expecting a business call so they returned to her hotel having a few more drinks in her room. There was a great view to the amphitheatre. He asked her if she would like to go as La Traviata was on the next evening. She loved that opera, it was lovely and sad, would make her cry, so they arranged to meet early the following day to have dinner first.

Alone in her suite she was worried about the earlier call, business was business but this was not a good job for her.
She looked forward to tomorrow, she had never before watched opera in the open.
She slept fitfully.

He was so looking forward to the evening with her, he was feeling nervous, hoped they would end up back at her room. The day was going too slow for him, he had business with his father which was bound to be stressful, but he knew it had to be done. His family were in the hierarchy of the italian branch of the Mafia, drugs were they're forte and he hated it, he wanted out!

She had a job to do and do it she will but tonight was about fun. She did some business over the phone while eating lunch in her room, then bathed in some gorgeous bubbles and dressed carefully, casually sexy, well it is alfresco.

He knew a family run restaurant with authentic homemade Italian food, good wholesome cooking.
Over dishes of olives, brushetta, balsamic vinegar/olive oil and pesto he opened up about his family, his formative years, it was a happy family life, he left out their business interests. She was less forthcoming but but a good listener and he really was good to look at.
He knew the owners of this amazing place, they ate some beautiful pasta smothered in creamy seafood sauce. She felt light headed, electric and at home with him in this cosy place.

They walked hand in hand to the amphitheatre. He loved holding her hand, it felt like love, amazing really as he didnt know her but he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.
She loved La Traviata, such sorrow. A good opera always made her cry, it was an inner release.

They strolled slowly back to her hotel. He really liked her, even though he knew who her family were, that their families were at loggerheads, were at war. She didn't know this yet and he wondered if it would make a difference to her after tonight, it didn't to him. She captivated him, he wanted to be with her no matter what anyone else thought. He hoped she would feel the same.

She felt sexually heightened, like a tightly coiled spring, going through to the bedroom she returned with just a thin silk robe on. He could see the outline of her body through the silk, her nipples jutted out and he felt stirrings, in fact he was getting uncomfortable.
She poured them both a drink, knowing the effect she was having on him, she handed him his and downed hers in one.
She stood in front of him, parted her legs and stradled him. She unbuttoned his shirt while kissing him. She was wet already, he put his hands inside her robe, feeling for her clitoris, kissing her breasts, her nipples were so suckable.
She was really aroused now so she reached down to open his fly, rose a little to pull his trousers and underwear down.
She lowered herself onto his errect penis, slowly at first savouring the feelings that were coursing through her body, oh this was such pleasure.
He rose to meet her, they became quite frantic like they both needed the release. He just couldn't stop, he was kissing her while thrusting deep inside, she was moaning little squeals escaping her. They came together panting for breath, wet through with sweat smiling at each other at their intensity.
They made their way through to the bedroom and there he took her in his mouth. She loved this, moans of pleasure escaped her as he licked her clit, fingering her and sucking, licking up her juices. She was arching her back, moving her pelvis up to meet his tongue. God this was amazing, he really was a master at his craft. She was nearing climax now, her body tingling nearing pain, jerking, she cried out as she came. She had to stop him as the pleasure was becoming unbearable.
She rolled him over onto his back and took his engorged penis in her mouth. Oh he really was beautiful. She took him slowly, sucking all of him slowly, fondling him gently, playing with him sucking just his helmet, this drove him nuts, he wanted to be inside her not in her mouth. She sucked, licked, poked and prodded till he really couldnt stand it.
He pulled her up to kiss her, long sexy soft kisses, then, when he had calmed down and his heart was not beating a tattoo in his chest he found her clitoris. He moved his cock back and forth along her clit, she was moaning and moving with him, he was sucking her nipples. She reached down and guided his cock into her, they moved slowly together, kissing, caressing, stroking. She loved his face, loved the feelings he was evoking in her. They both rose to meet each other, became lost in each other. He  brought her legs up a little so she tightened on him and he went so deep inside her it took them both to orgasm, earth shattering beautiful orgasm.
Collapsing into each others arms they giggled, who knew it could really be this great. They talked into the early hours then slept soundly in each others arms.

In the morning they had breakfast together but both had work to get on with.
They arranged to meet later for a meal in a Venetian restaurant he knew. After kissing goodbye he left for his fathers office.

She took her call and made all necessary arrangements for her new job, she really wasn't looking forward to it but she was good at what she did.

He liked to walk to his fathers office in the centre of Verona. He was thinking of her and thought he would arrange a romantic trip to Venice. He was smiling as he was making arrangements in his mind, he didnt feel the bullet when it struck mid forehead.
She calmly took the rifle apart, put it in her bag and walked away. He never knew what hit him, well she was the best of the best at what she did.
She had an itch to scratch, which she did and now onto the next.

Running to stand still

The village stood high in the hills, desolate for some but exciting for the maid and her Lord. They had left everything they had ever known and loved, moving continents to start a new and exciting chapter in their life, neither knew what lay in store or even if they would survive.

Their new home was private with a beautiful stone wall keeping out anyone they wished but they loved their new neighbours, set about trying to learn the new way, to read and speak, this proved to be difficult as anyone interested was only concerned with learning their strange language.

Life was exciting, especially in the depths of winter when the snow came and come it did.
Getting stuck in the snow was an experience all right, snow up to the Lords thigh's their cart wedged tightly due to it being fine when they left home but the snow in this strange land fell swiftly. Having to dig their way out, every morning clearing a way and chopping wood all day. They learnt new skills of survival, having both been cosseted in their previous lives, this gave them a sense of pride, a joy in their exhaustion.

The maid cared for the live stock, milked them, made cheese, yogurt, bread,  while her Lord tilled the land grew the food everything they, and the animals ate, survival was dependant on their work and she loved it., .
Their cottage was warm and comfortable in winter cool in the heat of the summer. They made a pond on their land to cool off in summer, but life was missing something for the maid, she yearned for a child of their love. Would they ever be able to do this, to feed a child? Oh yes she knew that for the first year she could feed the child herself, but after that? They would have to make their life here first, know they were able to sustain themselves as well as a child. Oh she yearned for her child that was yet to be.

The Lord was not so enamoured, after the first year where time in this strange and exciting land was just that, exciting. Now though not so much. They had to work very hard to keep alive, make the house livable, gather animals which would feed.and cloth them. This meant keeping the animals warm and well fed too. All too much trouble for him as he had to grow their food and bedding as well as their own. He did not envisage this!  He was not sure the maid was worth it and found his time better away from her constant twittering of the child she now wanted to foist on him. Urgh, he could not stand the little oiks. He would rather have a boy capable of being out in the fields with him working the land and it was a good few years before that would be possible, in the mean time he would have to grow even more food to feed the extra mouth. He never considered it could be a girl.
If only the maid knew what he thought about in his head, the things he called her, the way he thought about her. He was well and truly fed up.

He loved the control over her not knowing his thoughts, she and everyone else were still under the impression that he was still utterly happy and in love with his maid, but he really wasn't.
The truth was he was incapable of true feelings, oh he could put them on, make it seem real, and possibly in the beginning of something new they were, but then he always changed. Now though he thought he was very clever, able to hide who he really was and project this other persona to the world about him.

The maid started to feel very lonely. Her lord was different, quieter, distant. He said he was fine, nothing was wrong. He never criticised her but she would catch him looking at her with a strange look on his face, like he was thinking something not quite nice.
She missed her family, had no one to confide in or ask what they though, what she should do.

Life continued, hard work keeping them going, enabling a way of life however meagre.
One cold sleety morning a very attractive man called over the wall to her lord. He was allowed entry to her home so she busied herself making a warm soup & wine, to chase away the chill. Serving them she was told the man was going to be joining them, for a while. He was going to work the land, do repair jobs, for bed & a little sustenance.
The maid was shocked, secretly excited, the man made her feel feelings lost long ago.

Work was hard but the weather was warmer now, the sun shone and warmed their backs, the breeze no longer a worry. The man was wearing only his bottom clothing and this excited the maid. God he was good looking. She caught him many times watching her with those lovely kind eyes. Sometimes their hands brushed together and an electric shock rushed through her body, his too she thought.
He slept in the barn now as he liked the warm air on his body and he could go rest away from everyone in the afternoon heat. It was too hot now to work from noon till late afternoon. He would retire, remove his clothing and think of the maid. He thought of her as his maid, he knew she wasn't but he loved her from afar.

One weekend the lord had been drinking in the local public house. He had insulted a local peasant who had retaliated with a club to the back of his legs. He was now in the Dr's house being looked after, no one knew if he would walk again.
The maid instead of feeling sorrowful was elated, she wasn't sure why, she thought she loved him?

The man came in for food. They sat quietly at the table, a rickety old top with legs nailed to it. He picked at his food and she noticed his hands were shaking. She rose from her seat and walked towards this beautiful man with those eyes, she took his knife from his hand and turned his face to her. He had her hand and suddenly he was kissing her, deep soulful kisses, touching her very being, bringing her to life. She melted against him, all rational thought gone from her she just knew this was where she was born to be.
He gently slid his hand up her skirts , along her thigh to her most secret places, she thought she would die of pleasure, never before had she experienced this with her lord. He was crying soft tears of happiness, to have her in his arms was something amazing. He was trying hard to not lose control himself, he was hard, so hard he could feel his need to have her was so intense. She was abandoning herself to him, trusting him. He was kissing her mouth, her lips, he loved her lips. He peeled away her under garments so to feel her wet in his hands. Little cries and moans were escaping her as he gently rubbed his whetted fingers around her clitoris.
She had never felt such joy, such pleasure, ohhhhh it was taking her over and she felt she would lose consciousness, her body started to tighten and hot feelings were overtaking her. Suddenly she spasmed and shuddered with a loud cry, oh my God she screamed. What happened?
He gently laid her down, removing her top blouse he sucked her nipples while fondling her breasts, he loved her and loved these feelings she provoked in him. He wanted to care for her, love her and make love to her. They kissed deep soul touching kisses then he moved down and she did not know what was going to happen, but she was excited. She automatically took his penis Into her mouth, licking him, feeling him he was hard, engorged and beautiful. He tasted musky, manly, beautiful. She licked around the top poked her tongue into the little hole tracing it with her tongue, mmmmmm, she had never done this, it was so exciting making him moan, Little spasms. She sucked gently and licked and sucked his length, along the shaft, it was delicious.He put his hand under to stop her, so she cupped his balls & stroked him while she was relaxing into what he was doing. She was moaning in pleasure, God this was what she had been missing out on. She was arching her back and moving to and fro.
He was amazed at how she was reacting to him. She was sweet in his mouth. He just wanted to slam into her he was so turned on, she was his!
Her body was stiffening as he was sucking her juices and using his fingers inside her, stroking back and forth, she was wet and delicious.
She was in heaven wrapped up in him, never would she have guessed, never could she have thought!
 She cried out in an explosion of emotions, running through her whole body, she threw him off her onto his back. She took him In her mouth, playing with him. Then she kissed him on the mouth, she could taste her cum on his tongue, she smiled as she straddled him opening herself up to his size and lowering onto him the feeling was intense. She had no idea this was how it should be. He raised up to meet her and they moved together with an intensity so strong. He moved her up and down on him and was flying, he was so hot! Never before had he experienced this feeling of intensity. He gently rolled her to be under him, now he could hold out no longer. He moved deep, deeper, she was crying with pleasure, they were kissing all the while and he lifted her legs which sent them both over the edge. They came together with a roar, a cry  and clung together.
Both completely sated, devoid of energy wrapped in each others arms.
If the lord ever recovered he would find his house empty.

Lost

Lost, lost and wandering
Lost, lonely and wandering aimlessly
Aimlessly wandering lost, wondering what to do
Lost joyless, no meaning.

Life lost lustre, eyes lost sparkle, heart lost it's beat
Lost, wandering lost, distant memory of joy
Distant life, distant love, distant meaning. destruction

Soul destroyed, demolished, fractured,
Knowledge brings hope to it's knees
Memories brings pain, sadness

Lost, lost and wandering

Fathomless pit of Love

My lover had died, he's gone from me,
My lover has died yet he still walks free,
My lover has died and life is pain,
My lover has died yet his life remains.

How does love that runs so deep,
lose affection so we can not sleep,
How does love that consumes our soul,
get lost and die in one not all.

My souls has broken, in bit's it lies,
My souls is shattered, crippled, crushed, fragmentalised.
How will it ever repair, be shiny and whole,
when will the tears give way to joy in my soul.

The pain of death is the same world over,
but death comes in a legion of ways,
multitude death, the heart feels the same.

Oh when can I stop pretending, when will this end,
when will I believe what I tell myself, others what they want to hear.
When will the lies stop hurting, when will I be free,
when the world becomes still of me, or will you let it be.

To be so happy with a heart that sings, soul that dances,
feeling loved, free, wanted, needed.
This death tells my brain your useless, unlovable, with a joyless soul.
You are too ugly for love, no more happy soul, no dancing, laughing or singing for you.
Your defective, inadequate, found wanting, a failure of all.

To my God I cry, my creator, my saviour, he that I trust,
help me heal, put me back together, strong and true, whole and real.
Heal the deep cavern, fill the emptiness, let it be real,
Fill me with joy, to be happy and light,
bring me love, real, deep, whole and true.

Give me a lover that will fill me with trust,
bring me peace, make me feel beautiful.
Give me a lover who'll wipe away my tears, replace them with smiles,
bring a shine to my eyes, spring in my soul.

A love that lasts, goes deep, remains,
A fathomless pit of love

Christmas

Giving gifts over spending,
working hard over eating,
having fun over drinking,
dressing up over doing.

Woolen socks, embroidered names,
sacks and pillows, excitement reigns.

Waking up stockings bulging,
bucks fizz bacon grilling

Laughing smilling, hugging kissing,
playing cuddling, singing twisting.

Twinkling  homes warm and comfy,
aromatic roasting, Mmm, mummy's tummy's rumbly,

Fairy wands, fairy wings, boots and boxes garlands and things

Mulled wine and confection, Nuts and raisins, celebrations.
Brussels nestling with chestnuts, pigs snuggled in their blankets
Turkey crowns proud & true, ducks crispy just for you,
roasties calling all to sit, Pudding plonking, argh that's it!

Presents glitzing under tree calling, calling just for meeeeeeeee
Family, children, friends and neighbours fellowships and coming together's,

Loving the day but remembering the why,
Jesus the name we call from the sky,
Thanking for birth amd salvation,
celebration of love Christ's gift to earth,
The real reason why we celebrate Christmas, round the hearth

He, Bohemian Man, (Erotica Coffee Break Short Story)

He sat staring into space, he just wasn't sure, couldn't settle his mind on anything lately. Nope, he just wasn't sure!
He decided to go and just see what would happen, what could be the harm?

Right, that sorted he could now relax back and soak up some some winter sun, warm through the glass.
He was a happy man, happy within himself, ordinary, in an unusual way. His style was bohemian, laid back, quiet, in a very colourful way. People thought of him as an introvert but actually he was an extrovert. He didn't advertise that fact, only people he was very comfortable with discovered that side of him. His last wife bought it out of him, she was a bohemian at heart and from a very staid person he blossomed. He loved her, still missed her, he was lonely.

Logging on later that day he found her. She was a little younger than him, well 30 yrs but what does that matter these days? It was quite good for him really as he likes to be in control, although that's another trait he will keep under wraps, for a while anyway.
She was attractive, slender with short blond hair and big blue eyes. She had been a worker all her life and had no children, he wondered about this. Wondered why she had never had kids, but assumed it was because she was career minded.

She was well travelled and loved Asia, just as he did, they had that in common at least. He thought she would like his home, who wouldn't? He lived in a large house with all the latest gadgets, a huge up to the minuet kitchen that any chef would love, let alone a woman, There a swimming pool that was both outside in the summer and inside in winter, thanks to a very clever mechanical glass enclosure.
Yes he was a catch, in the material sense, wasn't hard up in the finance stakes either. He loved life, loved living and only drank socially in moderation.
His children were grown, living with partners, had children and lives of their own. He saw them, loved spending time with them, but he was lonely.
He chatted on line with her for over an hour, made arrangements to meet later that day, then made himself some lunch. He was bored, bored and lonely on his own. He had everything he could ever wish for, except.....

The afternoon went slowly. Loneliness is a terrible feeling that engulfed his whole being, swimming in the pool on his own was great up to a point, so he swam  and swam till he exhausted himself, then he sat on the steps just enjoying the fact that he, HE, had a pool. He never got used to that, having......

The pool was what his wife had always dreamed of, she would have adored this, would have felt she was in heaven on earth. BBQ's in the evenings whilst relaxing over a glass of wine with friends.
Jessica, oh how he missed her, her laughter was infectious as was she. Jess would have spent every day in the pool, especially as now they could pay a housekeeper to look after the house and a gardener to look after the property. Although Jess loved cooking, it was her passion, she loved nothing more than to have people over for dinner, to cook them relaxed meals with filthy desserts, yes she would have been in Heaven in his kitchen, she never had a proper kitchen of her own! Still she laid on a good meal. Oh how he missed his wife, the last one.
He had many wives in the past but best keep that under wraps for the time being!

She was smiling, yes tonight she may take it to another level, he seemed shy and quieter than her normal conquests, it made a change. Normally they liked to be in control, but he seemed to like her to do all the talking. This suited her as she liked to hold the reigns of any relationship, without them realising off course.
She had a good teacher in her mother, the way she handled all the men that came into their lives. She had so many uncles she had lost count from the age of three!
She laughed out loud at these thoughts, oh men, they were so easy, led by their human desires, all thought going out of the window once they had tasted what she offered and she was a good actress so they always thought they were special.
She would dress very carefully tonight. He didn't stand a chance.
Even mum had not hit the jackpot like she had! This one was rich, rich AND lonely, a powerful combination and one she was sure would be easily led down the aisle!!!
Oh and down the aisle she intended to go with him, once she had made up her mind they never stood a chance, so easily led were the lonely hearted men. She had many a husband in the past, but best keep that little bit of information under wraps for the time being, didn't want to frighten him off.........

The night air was scented with the flowers from the aromatic tree's it was like a wonderfully exotic perfume. The night was balmy with a lovely warm breeze and the air felt light, not as heavy as the last week or so, just perfect for a romantic dinner overlooking the harbour.
The lights twinkled, in the distance was the odd flash from the lighthouse. The smells wafting over them were heavenly.
He still couldn't get used to the fact that he had all this in his reach, life was so much better with money. OK so it couldn't buy you true love or health but it sure could make you happy and very ,very secure!
It was great being able to have whatever he wanted as he really didn't "need" for anything now and he loved to help others, so, when he was on to the next great bit of "must have technology" he passed on the precursor, which sometimes was just a couple of months old. He never sold them on as why would he, he gave to people who could never afford to buy these things, it gave him a kick.
Jess would have loved him for it, she would have done just the same, probably more.
He loved to post gifts of money to unsuspecting friends and people in his community, just to help out with a bill, a debt or just as a treat. Anonymously off course. He loved the treats most of all.
He was very generous, little could anyone guess.
All these thoughts were running through his mind, bringing a smile to his lips, making her think he was immersed in what she was saying. All the time her mouth did not stop moving.

They had a wonderfully expensive meal, she was going to get used to this very quickly, she hated cooking, in fact she couldn't boil an egg, let alone cook a meal. He didn't know that yet, time enough for that little revelation.
She was already planning where she would have the wedding, and the very, very long honeymoon, chasing the sun on a Caribbean cruise in a fully staffed private yacht, swimming in little coves, oh it would be so wonderful. Now all she had to do was make him feel like he couldn't live without her.
She placed her hand on his knee and gently rubbed it, just for a moment.
She picked at her food, couldn't afford to gain weight, her figure was perfect but the price for this was feeling starved all the time. She wished she could eat and expel like some of her gold digging friends but she hated the throwing up process, was phobic, so she suffered in a different way.

He hated that she never ate properly, she thought he didn't notice but he and Jess used to laugh at the scrawny women who pushed their food around hiding it under lettuce. They became experts at watching them. Jess loved food as did he.

He supposed he was going to invite her back tonight, it was a little scary for him and he really wasn't into her now, this meal was sort of putting him off. Now that voluptuous waitress was gorgeous and had given him a funny feeling in his tummy. She sachayed in a tight calf length shift dress, which whispered a promise of sexual freedom, love and intimacy. He liked that, loved to watch her walk, surreptitiously off course. She caught him looking and smiled a secret smile eyes twinkling. She had long very dark hair, minimal make up and lips of lusciousness.
He broke into her constant twittering, made an excuse and went to the rest room, passing miss luscious, she smiled.
He made a decision and after apologising for being forward, asked miss luscious if she would like to go for a drink after work, or the next day. Luscious lady said she would love to after work. So he made arrangements then went back to her. She was making eye contact with some guy at another table, crossing and uncrossing her legs giving the guy a little flash of magic while stroking her hair unconsciously.  He thought what a pair of numpty's they were, not suited at all. He explained he was feeling unwell, would she mind if they left.

They made their way back to his house, she marvelled at its large exterior. It was in the most amazing gardens, in the midst of the countryside. She loved the huge expanse of it but thought they would have to move as she did not like the countryside. She was a townie, born and bred! She nearly had kittens when she saw the size of the pool with the waterfall at one end and a jacuzzi at the other, wow this was money. Inside she was screaming with joy outwardly she cooed in a sexy, she thought, way.

She asked what was he doing behind the tree's? There was a line of fragrant tree's a bit like a wooded area behind the pool. He told her all about the quiet spiritual gardens he was building, promising to show her, after he had shown her around the house. He was sure she would love it as it was a very peaceful place with statues of Buddha, water falls flowing over rocks, trickling brooks, fragrant flowers and thickly soft large beds with canopies of lace. She couldn't wait as the promise was full of sexual suggestion, she was excited, felt the moistness between her thigh's. She was ready and would surely entrap him with her sexuality. She loved sex, the hornier the better, lots of energy, lots of deep down dirty moves, lots and lots of oral (on her off course) and tons of kissing. She really hoped he was good and dirty as she would prefer not to go out trawling for men on the side!

He was building up in excitement, tense, getting hot. His senses heightened, even his skin felt like if she touched him he would orgasm.
What a turn around this evening had been, his future path changed, thankfully, and he was going to indulge in his secret passion. He was excited beyond belief and hornier than hell!

The house was silent, with soft romantic lighting, she could not help but be impressed.
His taste in furnishing was immaculate, she wondered if he was a closet queen, or maybe he was sexually ignited by both women and men? No she decided she could tell but to have this good a taste in furnishings???
The over all sense was calm, sensual, warm. The bedroom was amazing with soft greens, creams and golds, a huge bed and enormous walk in closet dressing room.
There were bedrooms and bathrooms galore a huge Orangery with soft comfy sofas Orange and Lemon  tree's, ferns and palms. It was a beautiful house, she was going to be very happy here until they moved, she would have to start looking for the right property right away!

He took her out to the spiritual garden, a bottle of champagne and two glasses in hand. Teddy Pendergrass, "Come go with me", was playing in the background Slow, sexy, soulful and very apt.
He put the champagne and glasses by the bed. He wrapped his arms around her from behind and swayed to the music.

She felt a rush of sexual pleasure throughout her body starting from her tummy, darting to her brain and down into her legs making her weak. She collapsed into his body as his hands caressed her from behind. She couldn't see him, just feel, oh it was soooo good, sexy and very, very hot. She wasn't sure if she could stop herself ripping his clothes off, throwing him on the floor and jumping on him.

His hands felt like fire slowly moving over her body. One reached her nipple while the other found her clitoris, she nearly exploded on the spot.
Teddy was singing and he had to admit he was really getting into this. He was so aroused, well it had been a very long time. His erection was huge and he needed to release himself from the confines of his clothing, so with one hand he gently bent her over while he unzipped himself.

She had on no underwear, well she had no need for it and it made men hot, they all watched her so why not give them something to look at, subtly off course. She was so glad there was nothing in the way. She was close to orgasm, and knew it would just be the first of the night, wow she didn't plan on it being this good! She parted her legs and immediately his fingers were given more room to explore bringing her to a climax of body shuddering proportions, she collapsed over onto the bed the throbbing of the orgasm and feeling of ecstasy making her weak.

He was sooooo tempted to just slam into her, she had on no knickers and he could see her clearly, her bottom, as she collapsed onto the bed, was raised toward him, but he was determined to savour the moment, it had been so very long. Just then Teddy started to sing "I miss you" and his thoughts wandered to his wife.
They had GREAT sex, nothing had ever compared to what they had between them. They always said it was love, their chemistry was so compatible that it was amazing.
Jess!!!!! How he loved her, how she loved him licking her. Jess always said how amazing he was, no one had been anywhere near as good as he. He remembered her smell, her touch, and as he bent to indulge in what he too loved to do, that was the secret, you had to love it to be that good, he was thinking of his Jess.

She groaned loudly. His hands were on her bottom which had pushed up and out towards him, he was opening her up and stroking, licking her in places she would not have imagined, oh it was so good, she was so hot! His tongue found her clitoris and he licked gently but firmly, sucked and licked like he was enjoying every second, stroked while putting his tongue inside  sucking. Her juices were running which made it all the more hot. She was sweating breathing heavily, groaning trying not to scream out with the passion of it.

He was enjoying himself with his Jess again, feeling every dark private place and tasting, mmmm her juiciness, she was so wet, he wanted to be inside her but he was enjoying the build up. He could feel her body stiffening getting close to erupting, he took her nipples between his fingers and gently fondled them. That was it, her body arched, she cried out in her passion and he had to hold on tight.

She was arching her back in what was the best orgasm of her life. Her whole body had gone into the spasm and she could hear herself screaming, nothing she could do......

He could feel her throbbing spasms. So far he had not been touched, which suited him, he didn't need that from her, he had miss Luscious, maybe.

She had never felt this depth of ecstasy before, revelled in it's painful pleasure. She was not aware of his stroking of her neck, was not aware of his erection pressing into her, his big strong hands enclosing her neck.

He body was stiff with anticipation, he was at the point of no return and thinking of the pleasure was too much.
He started to squeeze, squeeze, squeeze, her body suddenly went stiff as she became aware of something going wrong. His erection grew harder.

She was aware, something was not right , what was it? what was happening to her?  Then as the pain of trying to breath and the bones in her neck started to break, she knew, he had got to her first.

The Excitement of She, "Coffee Break fiction"

She was excited, sitting in the garden, sun warming her face, she smiled. It was a big day, ahead was a big party with all their friends. She took in a big breath while her face was tilted upwards to the warmth of the sun & let out a satisfied sigh. Yes, it was a good day!

She sipped at her coffee & nibbled at her homemade jam on her freshly baked bread. This was the life, she was so lucky. Sitting here in the sun at 7.30am who would have thought?
Life had not been easy for her, in fact mostly it been impoverished, sad & full of rejection, till she met her latest husband.

Oh she loved this life, loved her walled garden, loved her new role. Shame life gets in the way occasionally but she can deal with that, had learnt to disguise her inpatients with people. She needed them on side, needed them to care for her, to believe in her. Well she had succeeded in that, excelled in friendship, hospitality & helping others.
They all thought she was great. Not long now, this day was going to be her greatest achievement to date & she was so looking forward to the party & being the centre of attention, all day!

She had her outfit all laid out on the bed, a gorgeous red & pink silk dress with little flowery motifs, it looked good on her, showed off her newly acquired shape. She loved looking in the mirror now, loved her reflection & the knowledge that it will just continue to get better over the next few months.

It’s amazing what a shot of happiness can do for an overweight unhappy woman. She had bought high strappy wedge heeled shoes which made her feel tall & confident & a set of delicate silver bangles that will tinkle as she moves, making her feel feminine. She has a gorgeous silver watch studded with crystals, well she has to keep up appearances after all it all goes to make her feel more of an attractive feminine woman!  

The sun was getting hotter now, she was grateful for the grapevine that gave her shade and dappled sun, very Mediterranean,  one of her joys in the morning. The sun was making her newly highlighted and coiffed hair shimmer. She loved her new look, felt younger and very attractive. It had been a very long time since she had felt attractive, let alone looked it. She thought about this and knew it was all about how she was treated, whether she was accepted or rejected. She was looking forward to today.

She reflected on how funny life was, how it could change in an instant, come to an end in a second. She takes a deep breath in, smelling the air, sighing in pleasure starts to plan her summer garden. There’s a lot to do!
Smiling to herself she runs upstairs to get ready, today she must take extra care and attention.

She was very impressed with the turn out of guests, all dressed beautifully on the warm sunny day, which was a bonus. Everyone was being very attentive to her, said she looked wonderful, making sure she had a drink and chatting with her.
It was a lovely service, a huge celebration and having lots of friends there made her day. She felt great, looked fabulous, was on top of the world in the happiness stakes.

It was great to catch up with people she hadn’t seen for a long time, spend quality time with friends, who will be “there” for her. She was excited and having a great time.
The champagne for the toast was the very best money could buy. The food was special, really delicious and fresh off the grill. A garden party is nothing without fresh grilled food.and live background entertainment, yes people would remember this day for years to come.

She was excited, having fun, enjoying a drink and was having a laugh. Not outwardly, you understand, no, inwardly though she was giggling away.

It was becoming increasingly difficult to hide her joy, but hide it she must, it would not bode well for her to let loose. She could wait, she must wait, till she was alone. Then she can kick off her heels and dance around the house.

She thought about that night a few months ago, when she realised the truth of the situation. Her suspicions had been proved right after years of lies and being made to feel stupid!  She found the message on his phone. He was out and had left his phone on charge when the message came through. She knew she shouldn’t look, knew it was wrong but what the heck. There in black and white was the proof she had been waiting for.

She never mentioned it, in fact he wondered at the fact she was more attentive to him, lapping up the attention but still ignoring what she needed.
She took to cooking him special meals with a little something extra. He enjoyed her cooking, always had done.
One lunch time she made him a special pasta dish, he needed feeding up before he got back up that ladder, needed his strength.
She was heart broken when he "fell" off breaking his neck. At the memory a Mona Lisa smile played across her lips.

People were starting to look at her in a quizzical way, perhaps now was a good time to cry a bit, reminisce about what a wonderful life we had together, at least look like the grieving widow!

The Desolation of She, Short story

She waits.

On her own, lonely & depressed. Sadness envelopes her & her heart feels like it will explode.

She knows she must buck up, take hold of herself & as everyone would say “be strong”.

She can’t, she knows that, it’s a given. Life for the foreseeable future will be like this.

Some days she copes better, they are rare, but the nights are filled with self doubt & accusations of uselessness. She is aware she is a waste of space, life for her is a nothing, she a nobody. She has never made a difference, been significant or made an impact, even though she had been told she would.

She is engulfed by self doubt & feels like she could go to sleep & not awake. This would not bother her, she is alone.

Some days she sees others but instead of making her feel happy, it just makes her sadder, brings home she is alone. Social network sites are no good, full of people professing to be there for her? Stupid people! There are other women on them who also are alone, but they were all too far away to help each other & words, typed on a faceless keyboard, mean nothing.

She had learnt the hard way that people no longer care. There was no caring for others anymore, it was all lip service. Society has moved away from real friendships, cuddles & caring for others. Boy when did that happen, in the old days…. Now she sounded like her mum!

She knew she would never get over this, knew life would never be the same again! She felt betrayed & abandoned, lost & ignored.

These feelings had been part of her life years before on different occasions, from the age of two then again at ten. Thirteen was the start of three bad years & it all set her up nicely for years of betrayal, which just added to the baggage.

She knew all this, had tried to “deal” with it all, with help from a church & a common sense personality.

She was destroyed to find herself fighting the same emotions, yet again, in her life. She had thought she had come away from all that. Thought life was being kind to her at last. Thought she was loved & would never again feel so desolate. She was wrong, she was sad about that!

Long summer days living in paradise. This was where she wanted to be, was the right choice. So why did she feel so bad. Going out, photographing her environment gave her pleasure but where was the joy? Surely life should be good?

What was the alternative, to leave would more likely mean never to return. This was not an option for her, for them.

Life, what made a good life for a person whose emotions were so visible? So much so that while frequenting a dinner party she sat at the table crying, unable to stop herself, embarrassed.   No one comforted her, they just pretended not to notice. This was just one occassion where her emotions overflowed in public!

She looked forward, took the opportunity to have a good look at herself, her attitude, her care of others. There is nothing like experiencing something yourself to understand others, to see what others need.

She walked forward, felt she had learnt something, was learning still. It was positive, a way of changing, a way of living. The end was coming & she vowed to herself to make it different, to be more positive, to make it worth while & the first step was to look towards others.
The rest she felt would follow...........

Why, Why, Why?

Why don't you see me now?

Why did you lie?

Why can't you love me now?

Why deceive & destroy?

Why don't you care anymore?

Why no respect?

Why do you ignore me now?

Why have you gone deaf?

Why am I ugly to you?

Why am I thick?

Why won't you speak to me?

Why do I feel sick?

Why is everything I say stupid to you?

Why don't you answer?

Why do you disrespect me so?

Why, why, why?

Why do you upset me ?

Why destroy my life?

Why do you mislead me now?

Why, why, why?

Why am I concerned with you?

Why do I struggle?

Why do my words not reach your ears?

Why, why, why?

Why did I ever trust you?

Why when I knew?

Why did I open to you?

Why, why, why?

Why am I so obtuse?

Why do I get so used?

Why did I ever believe in you?

Why, why, why?

Why do I cry now?

Why the angry tears?

Why have you broken my heart?

WHY, WHY, WHY?

This Time of Year

I love doing this, at this time of year,

the sun beating down, the sky blue & clear.

Warmth on my back, bird song in my ear.

I love doing this, at this time of year.

I hate doing this, at this time of year,

the snow on the ground the freeze in the air.

The chill in my back, no bird song to cheer.

I hate doing this, at this time of year.

I love doing this, at this time of year,

the colours so bright, sunglasses are here,

A song in my heart, when roses appear.

I love doing this, at this time of year.

I hate doing this at this time of year,

waking in dark with no sun to cheer, 

rain lashing down, damp heavy in air.
I hate doing this at this time of year.

What do I hate at this time of year?
The quiet or solitude, no sound to hear?
Wood fires a blazing logs crackling, miss behaving?
Dogs snoring, oven baking, bread smell pervading.
I love all this at this time of year
being a hermit, lovely snuggly cheer.
  

Lies & Deceit

When your lying in bed,

listening to things in your head

lies & deceit, is all that you'll meet.

Listen & learn, all the things that you've said

The lies that you've spread.

Karma is listening, awaiting her errand,

she hears, your mouth has spoken,

be afraid, your reward shall be great.

Your rope has hung you.

Your heart has betrayed you.

Your evil has devoured you.

When you are willing to sow seeds of deceit, of decent,

the fruit you eat will be rotten,

fowl as the vitriol you spew forth, landing where it will.

No thought of the hearts of others!

Assassinator of characters,

sorry I am, blind you are.

Silly woman, don't you know?

Love would soften you, give you peace

leave you wanting others best,

Love, would save you!

Who Do We See?

You see, a naughty child.

I see a broken toddler, abandoned, unloved & rejected for something better.

You see, an attention seeker.

I see a lonely child, wanting cuddles, hugs, love & acceptance.

You see, a troublesome teen.

I see a rejected adolescent, not understanding their place in life, not knowing where to go, what to do. needing love.

A child searching for something, safety, security, love.

You see, a stroppy person.

I see a someone fighting rejection, fighting for survival, fighting for love.

You see, an angry person.

I see a devastated person who's soul has been betrayed & broken.

You see, a person who is controlling.

I see someone who is fighting to be listened to & heard.

You see, an emotional person.

I see a someone who gives love & feels the pain of others.

Who listens & wants the same.

You see the symptoms, I see the cause.

You see, you don't know me! 

A Beacon For All To See

A beacon of light seen from the throne room.

There I am dressed in Purple, alight with love for you,

your precious places of treasure opened to me, to us.

Hidden for so long, oppressed & damaged,

we can only imagine.

Your peaks & valleys lovely in their graciousness,

wondrous in our sight.

 Hidden from light the darkness was upon you.

Imprisoned, held back, your beloved suffering in their plight.

Struggling towards the light, trying to hold tight, hold true.

Fed lies by the liar of all time.

Distracted, dislocated, dismembered, disemboweled,

she had you in her grip.

Some see only your sadness, but we feel your joy.

Today you stand,

proud, cloaked in gold, set high on your standard,

your beauty up for all to see

In time you will heal, for now, recoup, count your blessings.

Your lovers are increasing, your preciousness a wonder in their sight.

They behold you, exalt you.

Your beauty is limitless, dressed in the colours of Gods palette,

they adorn you.

Your music is magical bird song, the sound of angels.

You will recover & grow, heal & develop.

Bulgaria, you are holy & blessed in his sight.

"Am I a Contradiction of Self" ?

Passive, yet assertive, happy yet sad.

Deep & serious, yet flirty & outgoing.

Can you put me in a box & tie me with string, I think not.

Can you label me & judge me, you don't know me!

A many faceted jewel in a setting of pure gold,

robed in purple silk with the crown of a princess.

Can you find my treasure, will you look, dig deep, explore my depths?

Will you gain my love deep as an ocean, honest as the dawn.

Not by pillage & plunder, do not run amok!

I am a rarity, uncommon in my preciousness,

I have value & worth.

Keep me rapt, enchanted,

Help me develop & bloom.

My contradictions will inspire you.

You will find me erotic,

will desire my sensuality,

and long for my carnal knowledge.

So seek me when you find me,

seek & find BLISS